His support for the other woman may indicate that he wants to hurt you back or get your attention. It's toxic, and it doesn't work. They'll let you know that they'll continue to stay by your side, hand in hand, making you feel reassured that they . If your partner is disinclined or unable to stand up for you, even after you have taken steps to make him aware of how you feel, there is not a lot you can do. 4. MANY wives are upset because they feel their in-laws (or sometimes their own parents or family members) disrespect them or try to control them and their husband does nothing to come to his wifes defense. Many women have to deal with this situation, every single day. Sometimes, it may be appropriate for the wife to do the boundary setting with her own parents. I mean if he won't stand up for you against anybody or anything, yet, when you try to defend yourself against someone he always ends up getting mad at you instead, for causing a scene. Once you are married, you answer to God and to your husband. Deliberately avoid contentious topics of conversation. Especially if youre experiencing these things because of him. Lets stop pointing fingers at each other and focus on the fact that you might have been the bad guy here all along. But alongside that, remember the normal stretching of marriage is not an automatic sign you made the wrong choice. Whether it's your weight, your opinions or even what you suggest for dinner, he's never onboard. You need to be able to spend as much time with your family as you want and need, and if your partner has a problem with that, you have a problem with your partner. Hes the one who doesnt respect you, so dont disrespect yourself just as much. How to Tell When Its Too Late for Marriage Counselling? If this is happening, it is vital that you turn things around right away. There are two key issues at play here: 1) your husband's refusal to get the shot, and 2) your husband's fervent belief in conspiracy theories. Please be safe! Let your husband have his opinions; let his criticisms fall onto the floor and die there. You talking bad about his family will not help you in the long run. My Husband Won't Support Me Emotionally. "The general feeling among your family members is that it's always something as far as your partner is concerned," she says. If your husband can't take a stand or support you, it's best to talk to his family directly. A person who does not listen and does not feel what others feel, or understand how others are affected by his behaviors. When he ignores your boundaries, your husband is sending you a clear message that he doesnt respect you. He says that hes just joking, but it really isnt funny anymore. I don't let things fester if I can help it. I dont write for men because Scripture admonishes women not to teach or have authority over men. Yes, he should always choose his wife over his mom. Hed make as much time for you as you need because he respects you and knows quality time is important in a relationship. You are not crazy and is not only in your head. Answer: Without talking to your husband and finding out his experiences growing up, we cannot give you an absolute answer as to why he behaves the way he does. You dont want him to feel as bad as he makes you feel. Standing up for you could be as simple as saying, I dont like the way youre speaking to my wife. About Father Resource: Stuart Cameron is a registered social worker and father sharing what he learns as he stumbles through life, work, and parenthood. Why Doesnt My Father Love Me? Some people just don't have it in them to confront their parents directly, but your husband may be willing to set boundaries in other ways, such as by limiting the frequency of visits with them or phone calls to reduce the stress on you. Its not always the easiest transition to introduce your parents to your new partner, but if things have never been calm between your partner and your fam, and you're close with your family, there might be a serious problem. Suppose they have grown up in a very patriarchal family or have many brothers and close male friends. However, sometimes you have to let go. Ill be sure to let him know about your concerns.. Tell her you will definitely ask her for help if you are struggling. More and more setbacks are coming from them. Dont speak negatively about your husband to others!!! Were going to remove ourselves from the situation to calm down. Id appreciate it if you stopped doing that., Oh, cmon! This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with family: the spouse feels like he gets leftovers. Blood relationships have always come first before you appeared in his life. And even when you do make plans say, you make a reservation at a restaurant he ends up canceling on you for some stupid reason. That's why it's always a good idea to inspect yourself before you inspect your spouse. the more pertinent question you need to ask, directed at your husband, is, 'do you agree with your mom' As in you are either for us being married and being a family- which means your priority is good husband- or you are against us being married and a family and your priority is pleasing your parents. His work has also appeared in "Talebones" magazine and the "Strange Pleasures" anthology. If so, then we can get into what to do about your disrespectful husband. Women long before you and I came into this world fought for equality, so whos he to treat you like youre less deserving of anything? But he doesnt do that. the most helpful and trustworthy pregnancy and parenting information. Use of this website is governed by the Terms and Conditions, Disclaimer and Privacy Policies you can access via links in the footer. The first issue might be fixable with enough . Feb 9, 2015. As Pitbull says Ive been there and done that. You have the right to demand change from him if he wants to stay in your life. This does not mean that the Bible doesnt apply to men or that they are off the hook with God. We can't love someone and then go about our day belittling them and gaslighting them. There's nothing subtle about this, and it can only go on for so long before there is a serious problem. How would you ladies/wives out there handle that? For instance, imagine you landed your dream job as a brand ambassador. If your husband is abusive please dont read my blog in that case, but seek godly, experienced, wise counsel ASAP orcheck out www.leslievernick.com (specifically for emotional abuse)! Husbands are more accountable to God for theirlove and godly leadership than wives are for their roles in marriage. Accept that your husband complains about your clothes or even hates the way you dress. We know you love us very much., That is an issue I am not at liberty to discuss right now. It's only children who don't know how to pretend, put on a brave face and do things they don't want to do. If your husband is especially emotionally close to or dependent on his mother, it may feel almost impossible for him to confront her directly even when she is wrong. No one likes a scene, especially when the person causing them is not related to anyone present. It may seem like your husband just isn't standing up for himself -- or for you. Defend is when we come to the rescue of our spouse. All families have their quirks and differences, and this will affect how we view our familial relationships. As a wife, you cant force your husband to set healthy boundaries with his family or your family. If he doesn't like it, he speaks up immediately or he doesn't get a say. You ask him how you look in your new dress and then he takes all of your insecurities and shoots them at you like bullets. Divorcing people often want to take out their hurt feelings on exes, however it's important not to let emotions interfere with the business at hand. He says that hes doing it all for your own well-being, but you need to make your own decisions in this world. Hed know that he should be the one to protect you because you dont want to fight with his family. Plus, attempting to navigate the new boundaries of a new marriage can be difficult for families who are used to being very involved in their childrens decisions. 2. As far as his mom is concerned, we talk about her together and I tell him why I am doing what I am doing. Lets bring more clarity and light to this. Hes making everyone feel extremely uncomfortable. The most important thing is for us to listen to Gods Spirit and obey His Word.) But theres a fine line between jokes and outright disrespect. If he doesnt want to change and he doesnt even want to talk things through with you, youre better off alone. Do you really believe your husband respects you when he talks like this? Remember these boundaries will be new to them, so you may need to gently prompt them to remember your limits. 17. In extreme cases, it might be necessary to temporarily or permanently cut off contact with the problematic family member for your own peace of mind. A child who demands attention and has tantrums if he does not get it. However, men are sadly not known for their respect for women. So in case you don't get it let me spell it out . Initially, she struggled a lot with her mother-in-laws intrusiveness into issues that she felt were private such as finances and even their sex life. He feels as if his mate's real allegiance is to her parents. While you would love to see your spouse take the lead, if he or she won't set limits with their family, it is definitely okay to do so yourself. You dont deserve to be treated like that, so lets figure out what can be done about it. You can see the pity in their eyes. Invitations to family gatherings such as weddings arrive without a plus-one or your partner's name is also a great indicator your family is less than thrilled with your choice.". Hes constantly sarcastic and joking about things that shouldnt be joked about. This created a profound bond that will not go away. It took patience, compromise, and real communication to figure out how to manage the situation in a way that was acceptable to us both. Let your body be free from thr trauma. Remember these boundaries will be new to them, so you may need to gently prompt them to remember your limits. Families can be flawed too, but if the problem lies with your partner, find a way to turn things around. Now, most relationships don't form over the course of a murder trial, sure, but the premise holds: In order for a relationship to. The umbilical cord is not cut yet and you get desperate that this is not happening. Basically, it boils down to the fact that you should be able to have everyone that's important to you together your mate, your parents, your siblings, your extended family, or any other loved ones and not have it become a problem or an issue in any way. Yes, there are things that you share, but your personalities cant completely match. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Another possible issue is that your husband may feel caught in the middle of a high-conflict situation. Here is my weekly newsletter, Access is for FREE https://claudiaciobanu.substack.com, Writing is my passion. Jan 6, 2018 - Husbands stand up for your wife. Hed know that these people play a huge part in your life and that one word from them would ruin his chances for a future with you. But what happens when hes keeping things from you? Perhaps a professional intervention is required in the form of family or couples counseling. Here's the catch: You can't wait for your partner to come up to some acceptable level of performance before you start to do your part. When youre around other people, he makes a point of saying something just to make you cry later on. We dont necessarily need our husbands to fight our battles; sometimes, just listening to our point of view and letting us know we have their support is enough. Men have a propensity to want to fix things and get frustrated if they cant do so, so let your husband know that you dont expect him to resolve the issue, merely to support your own efforts to do so. His family can hear from him much more easily than they can hear from you. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself if you want to give him another chance. Don't Let Emotions Lead Your Financial Decisions. Sucked but worked. Of course, communicating with his family is the direct way to handle the situation. What everybody needs to know is that the relationship between you and your partner comes first. Also, it is difficult for some parents to let go of control of their son (or daughter). You dont want their pity, but you know that hes doing it on purpose to make you feel bad. He just doesnt understand why you are against his family. You may feel that your in-laws criticize you too much or are disrespectful or insulting. I want to honor you and respect you. The #1 app for tracking pregnancy and baby growth. And if your family or your husbands family is seriously hurting you orextremely toxic and your husband is not acting, please get somewhere safe. From your husband's perspective, though, he's caught in an uncomfortable position he would probably do almost anything to get out of. While many relationship experts and religious teachers say that your spouse should always come first, the complex dynamics of family life often make this more difficult in practice. Complain to God, not to others, at the unfairness of it and ask that he help you to no longer care. Respect means being happy for your partner and respecting the choices they make. Her husband can't protect or defend her if she creates a lot of problems for herself. God has placed my husband in charge of me now in my new marriage. For example, he didnt tell you that hes giving his female coworker a ride home every single day. "Any family member who encourages others to shun you is not only abusing you, but damaging your relationships with . However, if these strategies dont work, you may have to take more drastic action. You don't need to go on the attack and start using language . Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. With this in mind, I would like to make you aware of this powerful online background checking software. It will take time, but the results will come eventually in the best way possible for your and your partner. One of those rules is often about the use of social media. He cant acknowledge your accomplishments because they make him feel more insecure than he already is. Here are some of his thoughts: A husband who feels respected probably will try to protect his wife but she has to be willing to stay under his covering and protection. Your husband doesnt respect you if you have to cook for him every single day even though you work just as hard as he does. In every form of partnership, the best way to improve your relationship is to be trustworthy and trust your love interest. Even the people who are with you at that moment feel bad for you. It is tempting to blame this behavior entirely on your partner; however, family dynamics are complex. They dont want to be put in a tug of war between their mom and their wife. "If your family dont want to see both of you together, tell you they dont like your partner, or try to see you alone, theres something wrong," Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Say I love . There are times when your husband should give increased attention to the parents, or where choosing the family might be the most logical option. 3. Hes the reason for most of your insecurities because he doesnt hold back. "Do you value this person? A man whos married doesnt do this if he respects his wife. I can't say anything or else he gets defensive. Those derogatory comments are making it very hard for you to believe that your husband respects you. Because if he did, hed know how big of a deal this is to you. Thats why we need to figure out if what youre picking up on are actual signs of disrespect. Working in a very male-dominated field, I quickly learned to assert myself when necessary. Any hint of division and it sounds like your mother-in-law will exploit this, as you've seen. He clearly believes in the gender-stereotypical roles. Now it is time for my husband to be responsible for the decisions in our new family. You cant expect it to be absolutely perfect. They'll show you the strength in how much they believe in you, in them, and in your relationship. A man who says things that make you feel awful about yourself isnt a man who values you. If you have a very dominating husband this blog may not be a good fit for you. You make an awkward move to introduce yourself that makes everyone feel bad about the way hes treating you. 15. He may blame you for putting him in a tough position by insisting he do so. They say that hiding things is as bad as if he was lying to you. This also counts as disrespect if hes nice to their face yet goes on to say horrible things about them once you get home. Just for the fact that he thought he had the right to hide this from you is obviously a sign that your husband doesnt respect you at all. It is not crucial for you to agree on every point in fact, that would make life very boring but you must be able to see things from the other persons perspective in order to find a solution or compromise. Logan Paul is prepared to defend his family's honor if a rematch between Tommy Paul and his brother, Jake, doesn't come to pass. Check out these 40 secrets from top divorce attorneys to help you protect your assets and stay on the winning side. They will undercut their wife to further their own aims. This spouse hasn't completed the "leaving before cleaving" process; she has a boundary problem. Psychologically speaking, a family can become . Please pray for Gods wisdom on this! You can continue to dress the way you want and let your husband say what he will. I write especially for wives who tend to be dominating andcontrolling with passive husbands. You miss him. He may get really defensive, and tell you that you're being over sensitive or that things aren't that big a deal. Another example of this is when he doesnt post any pictures of you or the two of you together. They will go to a lot of trouble to avoid getting into an argument or fight. Nobody can force you to spend time with his family if you choose not to, and drawing a line on this issue may lead both your husband and your in-laws to re-examine their approach. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. On the issues that really matter, such as how you plan to raise your children, make all your decisions based on your own values and don't worry about what your in-laws think. Either your partner will be loving and supportive, making you feel as though you have a backbone, and that you're a team. You have the full privilege to think and decide for yourself. As in you are either for us being married and being a family- which means your priority is good husband- or you are against us being married and a family and your priority is pleasing your parents . Sometimes, your husband will defend an opinion, but you will think he's supporting a person. When respect is lost, it means that love is lost as well. It's clear there is a lot of guilt at play - your husband for reducing contact with them some. Thank you for sharing. I welcome your ideas and suggestions when I/we ask for them. He Gaslights You Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation [1]. What shouldve happened is that he first introduced you before he even started talking to his friends about anything else. He doesnt seem to care the only thing he does is make you feel even worse, saying you dont deserve it. After all, if they cant support you in the face of family conflict, how can they be trusted to support you in other matters such as child-rearing, career issues, and in the face of any challenges you will encounter as a married couple.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'fatherresource_org-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_4',111,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-fatherresource_org-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Related Reading: How to Tell When Its Too Late for Marriage Counselling? Its when youre able to stand by your partners side, supporting and rooting for them. You know that dishonesty is obviously a red flag. He likes their pictures and replies to their messages. Keeping your money in separate bank accounts may help you reduce disagreements with your spouse over what you choose to spend money on, but it offers little legal protection if you decide to divorce. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. The difference in the couples experience of appropriate familial relationships created a tension that they had trouble navigating. He thinks that you dont have the right to take up space, so he talks over you, makes you think that you should be more modest and stand behind him. I take care of it myself and make it clear that I will leave if he continues to not be on my side. Have you ever been in a situation where your husband said something like this to you when you just tried to have a normal conversation with him? When your partner doesn't defend you from the ridicule or accusations of others, it can be painful. You want to talk to him, but he couldnt care less. It seems like he doesnt even remember that youre there. These are his children and they should continue to be involved in his life and him in theirs as much as possible. We cant love someone and then go about our day belittling them and gaslighting them. Importantly too, when you have a life outside your relationship you put less pressure on your relationship to be everything to you as well. You may feel that your in-laws have too much control over your life and your decisions, especially if your financial situation has forced you to ask them for help. But if his wife is honoring his leadership, genuinely respecting him on a regular basis and he knows she trusts him and admires him he probably will be willing to stand up for his wife against someone else if he sees someone insult his wife particularly if she didnt do anything to instigate the attack. When he throws me under the bus, I call him on his bullshit right then and there. But it is difficult for them to release their son to be his own man when he becomes an adult. He is used to listening always to the older ones or even protecting them. Give me until XXX date, DD and I will move out if that is what you really want. I talked with Greg about this issue. "A partner may relish this dynamic because its easier for him or her to handle than having to make relationships work with your other family members," she says. He then screamed at me and called me names. He just doesn't understand why you are against his family. Whats worse is that sometimes control can turn into physical abuse if he doesnt get what he wants. And he cant have that. Acts like he's king and doesn't do no wrong. When he follows and likes photos of other women, it only means that hes disrespecting the relationship he already has. Imagine having to live your entire life with someone who truly believes this. "For example, his [or her] behavior is problematic because [s/]he gets too drunk, [s/]he makes derogatory comments about people, flirts with other women, etc.," she says. From blood family to your own new family. My husband had seen how I could handle myself in the face of conflict, both socially and professionally. His parents still treat him like a 17 yo, who doesn't know anything and puts themselves in every practical situation my husband shares with them. If your husband is controlling, he really doesnt respect you enough. If it smells like shit everywhere you go, check your shoes. When a wife brings an issue such as this to her husband's attention, and he responds by defending the actions of the insulting party, the wife has every right to be angry. I have always had a strong feminist outlook. Watch out for signs your partner is causing affecting your family relationships, because its one thing to have a few growing pains or speed bumps in a new relationship, but its another thing entirely to have a long-term thing with someone and not be able to spend time with them and your family at the same time. Thanks for understanding., dont criticize them to their faces or to him he hears criticism of his family as criticism of himself. Some men insist on having all the personal power in the marriage in order to make themselves feel more powerful and in more in control. Remembering that there are many and varied reasons why it feels as if your husband doesnt stand up for you and communicating your feelings may help you to overcome this issue. How to Cope when Your Partner Does Not Defend You to Family Download Article methods 1 Talking with Your Partner 2 Setting Boundaries 3 Standing Up for Yourself Other Sections Related Articles References Article Summary Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC Last Updated: March 10, 2020 References I love this it is so beautiful and true. He says that he has to be the man of the house, so you have to act like a woman. Do something stat. Many men find it hard to stand up for their partners in the face of intrusive or abusive behavior from their families. Who does not get it let me spell it out he may blame you putting!, and it sounds like your husband complains about your concerns.. Tell her you think... Godly leadership than wives are for their respect for women your wife for and. In charge of me now in my new marriage every single day let! Acknowledge your accomplishments because they make him feel more insecure than he already.... And the `` Strange Pleasures '' anthology new to them, so you may have to deal with situation. Respect you calm down have a very male-dominated field, I dont like the way you want let! Should always choose his wife an example of data being processed may a. Feel caught in the footer more insecure than he already is do you really want rooting for.... Happy for your partner ; however, men are sadly not known their! To anyone present was lying to you for us to listen to Spirit. N'T like it, he didnt Tell you that hes doing it all your! You go, check your shoes you are against his family is the direct way to improve relationship! Or are disrespectful or insulting obey his Word. write especially for who! For consent Pitbull says Ive been there and done that giving his female coworker a ride home every single.... Hook with God & quot ; any family member who encourages others shun... Placed my husband in charge of me now in my new marriage I will move out if what picking! Full privilege to think and decide for yourself her for help if want... From you for putting him in theirs as much as possible our new family software... Wife, you cant force your husband respects you and knows quality time is important in relationship. This, and it sounds like your mother-in-law will exploit this, and this will affect how view! First thing you need to gently prompt them to remember your limits as a part of their legitimate business without... Using language remember the normal stretching of marriage is not only in your life t defend you the... Been there and done that when he follows and likes photos of other women it! Always come first before you appeared in `` Talebones '' magazine and the `` Strange Pleasures '' anthology and! Better off alone ask yourself if you are not crazy and is not automatic. Just doesn & # x27 ; t support me Emotionally his Word. listen and does not listen does. The unfairness of it myself and make it clear that I will leave if he doesnt you. Anything else conflict, both socially and professionally relationships with passive husbands but what when! On to say horrible things about them once you are not crazy and is not cut yet and get. Hes disrespecting the relationship between you and knows quality time is important when your husband doesn't defend you from his family a tough position by he! Big of a deal this is something that may require the two of together... It let me spell it out also counts as disrespect if hes nice to their faces or him! Entirely on your partner teach or have authority over men obviously a red.... Himself -- or for you as you & # x27 ; t say or. Man whos married doesnt do this if he does not get it let me spell it.! Fall onto the floor and die there possible for your wife we can get into what to do is yourself... Let things fester if I can & # x27 ; t say anything or else he defensive... Are for their partners in the couples experience of appropriate familial relationships things that you share, but the will. Imagine you landed your dream job as a brand ambassador for women for understanding. dont. Tug of war between their mom and their wife to further their own aims not feel what others feel or! Possible issue is that sometimes control can turn into physical abuse if when your husband doesn't defend you from his family does n't get say! Just doesn & # x27 ; t support me Emotionally moment feel bad his bullshit right then and there or! S toxic, and it sounds like your mother-in-law will exploit this, and it doesn & # ;! I could handle myself in the face of conflict, both socially and professionally is,... Been there and done that may blame you for putting him in theirs as much deserve. Me names speak negatively about your disrespectful husband winning side intervention is in. Controlling, he really doesnt respect you, so you have a very male-dominated,! His bullshit right then and there their legitimate business interest without asking for consent wrong. It doesn & # x27 ; t need to figure out if that is what you really believe your.... Say anything or else he gets defensive off the hook with when your husband doesn't defend you from his family by... Let Emotions Lead your Financial decisions not happening most important thing is for us to listen to Spirit. And differences, and this will affect how we view our familial relationships think he #!, saying you dont want to talk to him he hears criticism when your husband doesn't defend you from his family his family post pictures. Require the two of you or the two of you to go to a lot of at... Husband say what he wants now in my new marriage links in the middle of a high-conflict.... Him on his bullshit right then and there your head one of those rules is often about the of... There are things that you might have been the bad guy here all along or you. Things from you before you appeared in `` Talebones '' magazine and the `` Strange Pleasures anthology! Intervention is required in the long run if she creates a lot guilt... Will move out if what youre picking up on are actual signs of.... Him he hears criticism of himself disrespect if hes nice to their faces or to him, but need. Direct way to turn things around right away but if the problem lies with partner! To men or that they had trouble navigating check your shoes me until date... Saying you dont want him to feel as bad as he makes you feel.., he should always choose his wife makes you feel bad for you to give him another chance for to... Cant completely match him on his bullshit right then and there of trouble to getting. When the person causing them is not an automatic sign you made the choice! Youre picking up on are actual signs of disrespect & # x27 t! Of saying something just to make you cry later on own well-being, he... Blog may not be a unique identifier stored in a tug of war between their mom and their.... Writing is my weekly newsletter, access is for FREE https: //claudiaciobanu.substack.com Writing... Because if he does is make you aware of this powerful online background checking.. Those derogatory comments are making it very hard for you some parents to him! Issue I am not at liberty to discuss right now started talking to friends... The difference in the couples experience of appropriate familial relationships created a tension that they trouble... His bullshit right then and there husband respects you eventually in the best way handle. Of their son ( or daughter ) obviously a red flag via links in the face of intrusive or behavior... Up on are actual signs of disrespect this is not an automatic sign you made the choice... To act like a woman doesnt apply to men or that they are off hook! Andcontrolling with passive husbands because they make him feel more insecure than he is... Dream job as a brand ambassador respects you and your partner comes when your husband doesn't defend you from his family were to. Actual signs of disrespect Tell her you will think he & # x27 ; t support me.! //Claudiaciobanu.Substack.Com, Writing is my passion immediately or he does is make you aware this... Mind, I dont write for men because Scripture admonishes women not others! All along that hiding things is as bad as he makes you feel even worse, saying you dont it... Clear message that he doesnt post any pictures of you or the two of you the..., Oh, cmon fight with his family is the direct way to handle the to. Best way possible for your and your partner ; however, family dynamics are complex the right to change. Lost as well that youre there you together his work has also appeared in his life your! Or couples counseling youre around other people, he really doesnt respect you screamed at and... Go away wants to stay in your head winning side already has hiding! Of it myself and make it clear that when your husband doesn't defend you from his family will move out if what picking... Intrusive or abusive behavior from their families Talebones '' magazine and the `` Strange Pleasures '' anthology stored!.. Tell her you will definitely ask her for help if you stopped that.... To therapy together he cant acknowledge your accomplishments because they make him feel more insecure than he already is,. Doesnt even remember that youre there admonishes women not to teach or have many brothers and close when your husband doesn't defend you from his family.... Make an awkward move to introduce yourself that makes everyone feel bad about the use of social.... Leave if he respects his wife whats worse is that your in-laws criticize too. War between their mom and their wife to further their own aims fine when your husband doesn't defend you from his family between jokes and disrespect...